Wow it has been a minute since y’all heard from me! Life has been one hell of a roller coaster since the last time I posted. Let’s start off with a new eye condition.
In November, 2018 I lost my eyesight. At the time I was only 21 years old… imagine waking up one day and it just starts with a horrendous headache. You notice it’s not like a normal headache, but you just continue on, pop some ibuprofen and call it a day.. but then the ibuprofen wears off and that same pain comes back. I realized this pain was attacking my right eye so I went to the eye doctor, but by then it was too late. I had already had permanent vision loss within 5 days of my symptoms starting in my right eye. If I kept ignoring it, I would be blind. Eventually by mid December, I DID become blind and nobody in Indiana could give me a diagnosis. That was the scariest shit I ever had to experience and then all I had around me was my boyfriend at the time.. I was blind, broke, and had to quit school. I tried so hard not to quit school, but my vision never came back the same. I couldn’t read, write, use a computer, bathe myself, text, watch tv, enjoy nature, dress myself or do my hair. I couldn’t cook, drive, or sit outside when it was too bright because my eyes couldn’t handle it. By the grace of GOD and my powerful ass meds, my sight came back within a month and I was able to return back to work but I could only drive during the day. (I believed in god before because my mom is very religious but after this experience I TRULY never questioned it again because I know there is a God)
I was a newly promoted kitchen manager which is something I was working so hard for at chipotle and finally got it. I used to think it was because they just needed to fill that position so they chose me, but I truly EARNED it. What made me think that was when I returned back to work and nothing was the same. I could not perform the way I once did. My manager was getting upset with me about it, but he couldn’t understand. I had literally lost my damn eyesight. I was legally blind trying to run a grill and the front and back of house. Chipotle was TOUGH, but I LOVED my job. It gave me purpose and a reason to get up everyday. My manger worked with me until he didn’t… it was tough having to miss work because he always gave me a hard time, but I needed to see my doctors. I don’t think that was fair. I had a doctors note for not being able to drive during the night time so I had to leave right at 3:30 everyday because you know it’s gets dark by 5 and that became an issue too because he was used to me staying however long he needed me to stay. On top of all of this, my roommate at the time who took us in because we unexpectedly got kicked out of our previous place & fired from our job, was giving us a hard time! She complained about EVERYTHING , would talk down on us and told us she used to be racist & eventually me being the person that I am with my crazy mouth I said some shit she didn’t like and got us kicked out right after paying our part of the rent! I should of stayed considering I had already paid her, but I just packed my shit up in the middle of the night while my man was at work and hauled ass down the street to his job. I couldn’t see because I shouldn’t of been driving at night and an 18 wheeler on the other side of the road, yes I was on the other side of the road and didn’t know it, almost hit me head on… When I got to the job, He was so upset, but I didn’t care I wasn’t going to be talked down to any longer. I was upset about the fact that I couldn’t have my pit there either on top of her disrespect. She claims he bit her granddaughter while we were at work and I had to get him a sitter. So now we were homeless, living paycheck to paycheck, and I was drinking everyday behind his back because I needed something to be able to tolerate the issue and my toxic relationship. Everything was falling apart, we kept fighting and not working as a team so I literally left. I didn’t care about the fact that if I left he would literally have no where to stay. I was supposed to move there for a better life and everything became worse. I used to think it was my karma for leaving my mom in the state that she was in. Her MS was kicking her ass and she was very poor too. I knew I needed to leave in order to get both our lives better and it ended up worse. That is just a short story of what was really going on in Indiana. It’s a racist ass state, hard to find a job and a place, and people judged me almost instantly because of the color of my skin. There were days where I didn’t even have enough money to pay a $40 co pay at the doctors office and they refused to see me! I’m losing my eyesight and was being refused for care. I was gaining massive weight from eating the Taco Bell dollar menu and the strong steroids I was on so I had to go. Nobody knew what I was dealing with so I finally opened up to my sister and she told me to leave! My cousin set up a room for me when I arrived to MA, my hometown. So I transferred my job and that was that. I’ll never go back there again. Relationship was toxic, the environment, my job, everything was toxic.
Back home in Massachusetts… on my way there I was drinking and driving, not too much but I was, and it was raining. Something told me before I left my granny’s house in Ohio that I needed to stay an extra day there but as I always do , I ignored my instinct and went anyway. I crashed my new 2015 Toyota Prius into a jeep that had the stupid tire on the back. Well my car was completely totaled 5 hours away from my destination. My uncle and my aunt Leslie had to pay over 600 to get me home in a Uber! (Thank y’all) my luck is horrible, maybe I shouldn’t of been drinking but it wasn’t that, it was because I’m blind and had no damn glasses on driving in the rain! I didn’t care though, I just wanted to get home! I did care after my car was destroyed and I just kept saying to myself “damn, how tf am I going to pay this off” the sad part is I wasn’t worried about my life, I was so deep in my depression that I was upset the accident didn’t kill me. I wanted so badly for my life to end because of all the things going on in it. My life had drastically changed within a few months span! I was overwhelmed, anxious, had a very low self esteem, and when I got back home I was hoping things would be better for me. Boy was I wrong.
I kid you not, coming home I realized how different people are. Up north people are rude, mean, entitled, and only care about themselves. Everybody cheats on each other, mad bullies, family ain’t shit. They were supposed to help me. Instead, they made me feel bad about being blind and didn’t help much. My life had changed and they weren’t understanding that. I was being talked about right downstairs from where I slept, I didn’t feel welcomed almost instantly. I worked and had other things to take care of so I kept missing the chores assigned to me, but when I would do the chores I didn’t do them good enough. I couldn’t do them perfect because again, I COULDNT SEE. My 22nd birthday was shit. My family didn’t have much interest in hanging out with me and neither did my old friends. I kept getting cussed out by my cousins, and being told about myself by mfs I haven’t spoken to in years so you don’t know shit. I almost got in a fight 3 times with the same dummy I call my cousin. I knew I had to get the fuck out of there. Luckily, my mom found a place and moved out of my uncles because he was being the same way to her. So I moved in with my mom again. With age you realize things you haven’t realized before, and I realized with my cousins they are full of drama, and with my mom she only helps when she wants to or if it’s beneficial to her. Because she had a part time boyfriend, every time he came over I had to leave of course. That’s okay, I would just go to one of my hoes or my bestie/cousin tee’s house. But eventually, mom was getting tired of me too. We were in a one bed apartment that is small so I get it. I started to become overwhelmed and unwelcome everywhere I go. I realized I couldn’t call anywhere home… in sept 2019, I ran into a man he called himself Romeo(so corny) he used to call me his Juliet. Anyway, now that’s my man. We live together and have been for over a year now and been together for almost 2 years. Things are not perfect, but I’m blessed to have a true man in my life, but every real man has some type of baggage with them. He’s the only one besides my cousin tee who understands my vision loss and works with me. He is loving, caring, keeps me secured, dependable etc. but he is also sneaky, secretive, and repetitive. What man isn’t though? The good always outweighs the bad though, so he is a whole husband. I can’t keep a job because people are envious of me and are afraid I’ll do their job better than they do, I been flying through jobs and cars and I’m just trying to get to a point in my life where I can be financially free. No path is perfect, but you won’t know until you try!
We live our lives full of doubt. We surround ourselves with people who don’t uplift us and who stay in the same boat for years, while still judging and critiquing you as if everything in their life is so perfect. There has to be a time where we just cut off all those distractions and people and completely tunnel vision our goals. I used to always be afraid of leaving people behind, but today I am NOT. When you’re betrayed a lot, you learn to let go, even if you really don’t want to. Your instinct is so STRONG. Listen to that inner voice, they won’t steer you wrong. What I learned is that your instinct is heaven sent, and the more you ignore it, the weaker it becomes. God gave you that voice so you know what decisions to make moving forward. I had to realize that I am better than what people see me as or what I may have been in the past. I’m learning to forgive myself and move on with my life fully! I’ve wasted so much time questioning everything I’ve done in my life and that ends now. I’m taking risks. I’m quitting jobs, and I’m becoming the best woman version of myself. I’m in school, I can see, I’m working out at least 3-4 days out the week, I’m saying what’s on my mind, I have glasses, I have health coverage, I have a somewhat healthy relationship, and I’m wiser and smarter. I know my worth, and I know what I am capable of! Find self love, and you will be able to conquer anything thrown at you!❤️